Magic Eraser

I was cleaning the kitchen the other day and Eliza was doing her usual playing about the house in and out of the kitchen, playing with her dolls, chasing Scooter, when I realized she was in the kitchen with me, doing something on the floor. I turned around and she was drawing on the floor with a rogue crayon! We keep crayons safely stored away, but somehow this one managed to get into the hands of a toddler and I had her artwork all over my tile floors.  Oh well, it was the day to mop the floors anyway. I took the crayon away and put it on the butcher block island safely away from little hands and went about cleaning the kitchen. Then I moved everything (including the island) into the living room and went about vacuuming the floor (I love that my Dyson vacuums my kitchen.) Eliza was happily and quietly playing in the other room.  Which was my clue that something was wrong, am I right? As I passed through the living room to get the mop I noticed that she had climbed up on the kitchen chairs and was playing on the island. As I passed back through the room with the mop I noticed what exactly she was doing. She had found the crayon and was thoroughly decorating the butcher block! Oh Eliza! This was NOT the day for decorating the butcher block. So, I turned to Instagram and Facebook and posted a picture asking for help! How do you clean a butcher block? Magic Eraser, people! Magic Eraser magically erased (most of) the crayon! And the Swiffer Wet Jet took care of the floor. The morning continued with Eliza emptying all of the spoons and utensils out of the drawers in the island and then chasing Scooter around with the spoons and generally wreaking havoc while I was trying to clean. Nap time could not come soon enough! But then in the afternoon Eliza turned into my little helper shadow following me around while I vacuumed the rest of the house with one of the vacuum attachments, pretending to vacuum and "sweeping" up after me.

The Last 6 Weeks. . .

I've been struggling a little bit lately with the "Homemaker" part of my new role as a stay at home mom.  I just can't seem to do everything I want to do.  Ideally I'd have a clean house, a meal on the table for my husband in the evenings, and an updated blog. But in real life the 30 minutes between Shawn texting me that he's on his way home and him showing up are the busiest 30 minutes of the day as I hurry to get dressed, make the bed, and quickly pick up the house.  And too many times none of that gets done and he walks into a mess and a wife who is still in her PJs.  And I feel like I've gotten nothing done the entire day.

I think back on my days and I'm busy! I pick up after a baby multiple times a day.  I still nurse her 6 times a day, I change her diaper, I feed her solids, we play together and read books.  I do laundry that might never get put away, but at least it's clean.  And that fills up my day.  Especially since lately I only have a baby who will sleep in my arms.

I did realize recently that I only have space for so much going on in my brain at once. I can only concentrate on one or two things that take effort at a time.  And lately those two things have been getting Eliza to nap and gain weight.  I simply can't worry about or focus on more than that or I might have a nervous break down.

Between Eliza's last two doctor visits she LOST weight.  That is the wrong way to be going on the scale, baby girl! I could tell she wasn't growing very fast, but had no idea that she was losing weight.  It was only a matter of ounces, not pounds, but still, it was the wrong direction.  So, the last six weeks we've been concentrating on getting her to gain weight through "power packing" her foods.  And then you need to add to that stress her getting sick and then getting the stomach flu, and not having any solids for a week.  So, we add butter or high fat yogurt to everything she eats.  I concentrate on proteins and dairy.  I have spent way too much time in the baby food aisle comparing calories between baby foods.  Pears have more calories than apples, and peas have more calories than green beans.  I bet you didn't know that. Three years ago I never would have thought I'd be standing in the yogurt aisle at Walmart at 10:00 on a Friday night trying to find the yogurt with the most calories and fat per serving. (Yoplait Baby yogurt and The Greek Gods Traditional Plain yogurt are the answers by the way.)

And then there's the napping situation. I've written about it before, so I won't go into it again, but let's just say, nothing has changed or gotten better and I'm just grateful when she gets a nap even if it means it's in my arms.

So, that's where all of my effort, concentration, stress has been going, and things like cleaning house, making dinner, blogging have all taken a back seat. Now that we've figured out more foods Eliza likes, and she's making headway on the eating I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder, the clouds have drifted apart somewhat, and I can start to see what else needs work.  Next week we visit the pediatrician for a weight check and will find out if our efforts have paid off.  But Eliza already feels heavier to me and Shawn thinks she's getting a little belly.  I'm certain we'll be keeping with the power packing for a while, but maybe now I'll be able to concentrate on me every once in a while.  Oh yeah, and dinner.

Missing

I'm starting to miss work, which is totally unexpected.  I'm starting to think of ways I could have done my job differently, or how I could have improved.  These are things I could never see as I was in the middle of it, day by day, but now that it's all over, I can see how I could have been better, and part of me wants to go back, wants a second chance.

I'm missing people mostly.  I miss my coworkers.  I miss driving to work with Kathy, and having cake for birthdays.  I miss Diane's weekend stories every Monday morning, and talking to Julie and Tamme. I miss asking Tori's opinion and having Caryn come in to my office.  I miss talking to Angela about my clients. I miss being downtown.  I miss going to City Creek and Gateway for lunch.  I miss lunches at the COB with The Hawaiian Haystack Thursday gang. I miss Relief Society with Emily. I miss hanging out at Apricot with Laura. I miss window shopping.  I miss putting on nice clothes and wearing heels every day.  I miss knowing everything that's going on in the city.  I miss the excitement of Outdoor Retailers.

I love Eliza and there is no part of me that would give her up to do any of those old things, even at 4:00 in the morning.  But right now I'm wishing I lived closer to downtown so it was easier to capture those old things.  I wish I could run away to Laura's for an evening of TV together.  I wish I could do lunch with Cary and Kathy and Allison at City Creek.  I miss my old friends and lately it's been harder to be so far away and in such a different spot in life.

My New Job

The decision to leave work and be a stay at home mom was both the easiest decision I have ever made and the most difficult one.  We considered every option, every possibility, money, the commute, daycare, insurance, everything.  If I had been in this position ten years ago I wouldn't have wanted to stay home with my kids. Ten years ago I wanted to be a career woman, I wanted the job and the office and the travel.  I guess getting all of that changed my perspective, and somehow having the job, the office, the travel made me just want family, kids, and to stay home and watch them grow.  But even knowing before I ever got pregnant that I wanted to stay home, once the dream of kids became a reality I still had to make the decision, weigh the factors.  Could I really stay home with my baby girl, or was it just a dream?  

Shawn and I talked over everything, and the biggest negative was definitely the money.  Shawn is in school and will graduate in a year, which will hopefully mean more money.  Could we afford to have me stay home and not bring in any money for a year?  The truth is, at some point I may need to go back to work part time, so the first thing I did was discuss that possibility with my boss.  But, ultimately, what I really would want would be a flexible schedule so I can work when Shawn is home and not have to put Eliza in daycare at all.  And even if a part time position was available, it would mean I would still have the commute, which was one of the biggest negatives about my job.  And let's just be honest here, I didn't exactly love my job, and that's probably one of the biggest factors.  If I loved my job I might be more inclined to go back to work for a year.  I loved the people I worked with, and there were aspects of my job that were really great and fun, but ultimately it wasn't for me and it was getting harder and harder to stay motivated.  I just couldn't see myself dropping off my precious baby in daycare and driving for an hour each way to go to a job I basically dreaded.  But, I was also worried about how I would do NOT working.  I've had a job since I was in highschool, is there some part of me that needs to work?  It's only been two months, and the first two weeks before Eliza came I did get pretty stir crazy in the house, but I love being home with her.  I look forward to a time when I can do a bit more like making dinner and cleaning, so far Eliza is pretty demanding of my time and attention.  (It's taken me a week to write this blog post.)  But I do definitely need some adult interaction, and have started to find my network of fellow stay at home moms to get together with.  

I had a few people tell me to not even think about making the decision until Eliza arrived, to just wait until I was on maternity leave and then decide if I wanted to go back.  So, I researched that possibility and discussed with my HR what it would mean if I didn't come back while I was on maternity leave, and basically, that's a really expensive option.  Sure, you get paid and have insurance for those weeks, but if you decide not to go back, you get to pay back that insurance and most of the salary, so I knew I had to make a decision upfront.  I thought about going back for a short period of time, but then it was the finding the daycare again and the commute and the leaving my baby, so I decided that was also not an option, even if it was temporary.  

I agonized for weeks, months over the decision.  Then once I had made up my mind I agonized over when to inform my boss.  We were going through redeployment at work, and what I decided and when I announced my decision would effect other people. I didn't want to announce too soon and have them let me go before I was ready.  And waiting to tell work made me keep reassessing my decision.  So, I waited until about a month before I was supposed to go on "maternity leave" and then my boss came to me and asked what my plans were for maternity leave and even though I hadn't mentally prepared to have the discussion right then, I told him, I'm not coming back.  And at that moment I was liberated.  My boss was great, very encouraging about my decision being the right one and that he would not hesitate to hire me again.  And my timing was perfect.  The redeployment meant someone else was able to take over my accounts, and I had a month to close things out and transition everything over to them.  And while I miss my coworkers, I haven't missed my job, not even for a second.  Being a mom all day every day is so much harder than my job ever was.  And at the same time so much more rewarding.  I feel a fulfillment in being with Eliza that I never felt in my office job.  I truly feel like this is what I was meant to do, even on the days when she cries and I can't put her down for more than a minute.  I love this little girl more than I ever thought possible.  

I am so blessed to be able to stay home with Eliza.  I know plenty of moms who don't have that option. I also know plenty of moms who don't want that option.  And for me, for right now, this is the perfect decision.  

Picture found here.