Blessings

Just a cute picture of Eliza that has nothing to do with this post

I feel like I don't write much religious stuff on my blog. I think I've posted that I belong to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or I'm a Mormon. I just want to take a post to mention all the blessings that have come from the last few days.

Once we were told to go to the hospital Thursday night we had Lance (Shawn's brother) come over to stay with Eliza (first blessing, family nearby!) As soon as he got there he and Shawn gave me a Priesthood Blessing and immediately my worry went away and I was overwhelmed with peace. I was told in the blessing that we would receive the best possible outcome, that everything would be OK. Of course in my head I was hoping that meant my water hadn't ruptured and something else happened.

I felt that peace throughout Thursday night and Friday. And really we have been incredibly blessed by this situation. It is true that we are having the best possible scenario given the circumstances. I am not contracting, the babies look good, and my cervix is closed. I don't have an infection, and we are all healthy.

One huge concern I had was that my parents were at the family cabin and didn't plan on getting home until Saturday. And there's no cell coverage at the cabin. I texted them as soon as we found out what was going on, and then called them again the next morning, knowing that it would be hours to days before they got the messages. I just kept praying that they would need to get to a place with cell phone service for some reason. I called and texted my siblings (usually my Mom's job) and let them know what was going on and also that Mom and Dad were at the cabin.  My brother immediately responded and said he'd go get Mom and Dad.  My sister responded and just said she was on her way to the hospital
. My other sister said she'd stay at our house with Eliza that night and also take Scooter for several days. Amazing. My family jumped in just how I needed them.

And of course Shawn's family has been helpful too from Lance coming over Thursday night, to Dena getting us transferred to her OB practice in the middle of the night and also just being a reassuring presence who understands exactly what's going on.  Shawn's family is spread around more but each of them have been in touch and his parents are coming to take care of Eliza as much as we need.

Ward members mowed our lawn, we have more offers to take care of Eliza than we can utilize, and I can very much feel the prayers being said on our behalf. One small blessing that is very personal to me, one night I was in so much pain from the IV, just really suffering and feeling like every drip of antibiotic was a knife slicing through my hand. I was crying and I knew that nothing could take away the pain. I prayed and prayed for help. And then I thought of my babies and how I was going through this for them, and how if this really minimal pain would keep them safe longer I was completely willing to do it, and before long the pain disappeared and I was fine. I am grateful for that experience.

I have a testimony that there is a God, a kind, loving Heavenly Father who knows me as a daughter, an individual. He knows my fears, my wants, and my needs. He knows my baby girls better than I know them. I know that there is a purpose to this time and I may not get to understand it yet, but I have faith that there is a reason for all of this. I feel His love as I lay here in the hospital. I know He is also watching out for my Shawn and my Eliza. I am not alone in this.  The misery and pain and lonliness is not just felt by me, but is felt by my little family, and that makes me want to be brave for them. We will all get through this time. We will come out stronger on the other end.

Update

It's a good thing I had that lovely walk with Eliza Thursday morning because that night my water broke! I'm only 25 weeks! I had just turned out my light to go to sleep and felt a little trickle, and thought that's not right. I got up and the trickle turned into a gush. (sorry if that's too much information!) I woke up Shawn (who thought I had just lost bladder control, but I think that's what we were both secretly hoping for) and we called my OB.  She said I had two options, head to hospital A or head to hospital B, and then be transferred to hospital A. We were closer to A anyway so that's where we went.  And they confirmed that my water broke. And then told us what we didn't want to hear. That I wasn't going to be leaving the hospital any time soon. So, if you don't want in depth information, here's the Cliff Notes version: I'm in the hospital until I deliver the babies.  We're hoping I make it to 34 weeks which means a little over 8 weeks in the hospital. I'm not contracting and the babies look good, so we're very optimistic. We have family taking care of Eliza, and Shawn's been here with me all weekend but will go back to work on Monday.  We need him to be able to take as much time off as possible once the babies do come!

OK, here's the long version.

After being all night at hospital A getting checked out, monitoring the babies, getting my first dose of steroids to help the girl's lungs develop, and lots of antibiotics in case of infection, we found out that the NICU at that hospital was full, so they were transferring us to Hospital C! We tried to sleep while waiting for the ambulance to take me away, but really neither of us could sleep so we were up all night.  Finally around 5:30 am the ambulance came and I was taken 30 minutes away to Hospital C complete with lights and sirens.  Very surreal.  I kept asking myself if I was going to wake up in my own bed.  It's also strange to leave your sleeping child in the middle of the night and then find out you aren't going to be going home for 2 months! No more of my bed! I left dirty dishes in the sink! I was going to paint flowers on the wall in Eliza's new big girl room! I was going to move her to a big girl bed! I was going to get her hair cut! Now I won't be doing any of those things!

The first 48 hours after your water breaks most women go into labor and give birth. So, for us it was a "let's get past 48 hours" waiting game. My regular OB does not deliver here, so I've been transferred to a new practice, which is a blessing because my sister-in-law, Dena is a midwife with that practice and was able to pull some 4am strings as soon as she found out we were coming here and so we're in her practice.  Everyone speaks very highly of them, and so far we like all the doctors we've met.

We had another ultrasound which confirmed the babies look great. Baby A is 1lb 13 oz and is the one whose water broke. Baby B is 2lb even and is a couple of days ahead of Baby A. But all the anatomy is right on, their hearts look good, and other than being low on amniotic fluid around Baby A, they babies are perfect! (Oh, and I'll continue to produce amniotic fluid, so they'll still be some around Baby A at all times, just lower than Baby B.) We've learned about the risk signs for early labor or for other things that can go wrong (infection, prolapsed cord, placenta previa) and are watching out for those. But I'm not having contractions, my blood pressure is good, and no fever so really, we have the best possible outcome given the circumstances.

The first 48 hours I had to be monitored constantly with three monitors on my belly, one for each baby and one for my uterus to measure contractions. I also had two IV antibiotics. It was just annoying because any time I would move the monitors would also need to be moved.  And we have learned that Baby B is our dancer, she likes to dance and move around. Just when you think you have found her on the monitor she will duck away somewhere else. One of the babies had hiccups the other day which made it so we couldn't find the heartbeats for either baby. While annoying, it's also so comforting to hear the heartbeats or look over and see them up on the screen.

One of the two antibiotics I received was incredibly painful for some reason. It just felt like my arm was being sliced open every time it would drip into my vein.  I went through 5 out of 8 doses and then a nurse noticed that my arm around the IV was getting hard so they would need to start a new IV, and the doctor said that I could switch to oral antibiotics! First victory! No more arm pain, and one less cord to drag behind me when I get up to use the bathroom.

Sleep the last two nights here in the hospital has been elusive mostly due to the monitors. Even just adjusting an inch or two to get more comfortable knocks the monitors or moves the babies and they have to come readjust. Plus I still get to take pills in the middle of the night AND they check my vitals every couple of hours.  I've had to take some sleeping pills, but am hoping tonight I can get to sleep on my own.

But the biggest happiest news of all came this morning when they said they could take the monitors off! YAY! I will still get checked twice a day for about 30 minutes but I can move without worrying, I can go to the bathroom without having to get unplugged, and I can see and feel my belly again! AND I also got wheelchair privileges twice a day, and included in that I can shower! So this morning I showered and washed my hair and finally feel clean and a bit better.  Here's a "photo booth" picture of me. Hospital Day 3, wet hair (which is why it looks so dark) and no makeup.  But feeling in good spirits.

Some News, and Explanation, and Q&A

So, I've been taking a little bit of a vacation from the blog for a few months. I have a really great excuse! I'm pregnant! And it's been a pretty rough road. And I've been sick and complaining, so I've been afraid if I blogged I would just do nothing but complain, so I've taken a pre-natal leave. But I do want to document this pregnancy for myself at least, so here I am, with at least one blog post.  If I'm lucky I'll also write about our summer adventures and maybe Eliza's second birthday. If I'm not lucky the next time I write on the blog will be after I give birth.

So, for the REALLY big news (as if being pregnant isn't big enough) we're having TWINS! TWO BABIES! CRAZY! I still can't believe it. I've started writing about this a few times and every time it's been pretty long and verbose, so I'm going to do a pretend Q&A and see if I can make it less complaining and wordy and more interesting.

So, twins? Do they run in your family? Did you know you were having twins? I kind of feel like both of these questions can actually mean "were you on fertility drugs, is that why you are having twins?" And the answer is no, these twins were conceived "naturally." We didn't expect to have twins. We threw it around before Eliza, "wouldn't it be cool to have twins?" but that's pretty much it. My great grandmother did have twins, but none of her kids or grandkids had twins. So, my doctor said that it does not run in my family. But women in the 35-40 age bracket are more likely to have twins, so there's that.

As for if we KNEW we were having twins, well, I had a suspicion. This pregnancy has been SO MUCH HARDER than when I was pregnant with Eliza. I was SO EXCITED to find out I was pregnant, and then about a week after I found out I was pregnant the morning sickness hit hard and fast. And just went downhill from there. It got so bad that I could barely get out of bed, let alone take care of Eliza. My Mom and my neighbors stepped in and took Eliza pretty much every week day to give me time to rest. And I've been on nausea medication almost the entire time. Around 8 weeks I ended up at the doctor's office to get an IV to treat the nausea and dehydration and then again around 12 weeks. So, part of me felt like "this had better be twins because this is so much worse than Eliza!" And at some point every time I thought of the baby I would say "babies" in my head and I didn't know why. So, some part of me knew, or hoped, that it was twins. But then I would decide I was just being crazy and I didn't want to be the crazy pregnant woman who thought she was having twins, so I would convince myself it was just one baby.

So, how did you find out it was twins? My first actual prenatal appointment with the nurse was at 9 weeks and 5 days. (But as an aside, it's crazy to me how specific you get during pregnancy, 9 weeks and 5 days? Pretty soon they'll add hours and minutes to that!) Shawn and I had a conversation the night before the appointment about how I felt like it was twins but didn't want to be the crazy lady and didn't want to be disappointed if it was only one baby. That night I had a dream that it was one baby and I was totally and completely at peace with one baby. Luckily, Shawn was able to come to the appointment. My doctor's office has a portable ultrasound machine that's about the size of a cell phone. The ultrasound is the end of the appointment, so we talked about everything, she checked me out and said everything felt normal and I used that as justification "see, it's NOT twins or it would be different!" Then she pulled out the ultrasound and said "there's a cyst on your left ovary and there's you're baby and there's your other baby, you're having TWINS!" And part of me was like "Wait, what about the cyst?" and then it was like "WAIT, did you say TWINS?!" And I felt like screaming "I knew it!" and "WHAT?!" at the same time. It was amazing. Right up there with finding out that Eliza was a girl. We were in shock, but it was so clear on the ultrasound that it was twins. We could see two little tiny babies and two hearts beating. Amazing. That was on Friday, and they scheduled us for a "real" ultrasound with the big ultrasound machine and the real ultrasound doctor for Monday to "diagnose" twins. I was so scared that something was going to happen over the weekend that we only told our family members, and kept silent at church (THAT WAS HARD!) but we made it to the ultrasound. Shawn got to come again. When the doctor said "so we're confirming twins today?" We said, "just make sure it's not three!" And sure enough, once again there were two babies inside of me, with two sacs and two placenta (which makes them fraternal, or di/di twins if you speak twin).

Are they boys? Girls? A boy and a girl? I've suspected all along, from day one of the pregnancy that I was having a girl, so when people would ask what they were I'd say that at least one of them was a girl. But Shawn and I both really felt that the other twin was a boy. And I was SO excited to have a boy and a girl. We were so positive that when the ultrasound said Twin A was a girl I was like "Yeah, I knew that one was a girl, now just confirm that Twin B is a boy and we're good to go." So, when she said that Twin B was a GIRL, I said "Are you sure? I think it's a boy." And she said very definitely "It's a girl." So, we're having TWO GIRLS! I'm so excited to have two girls, and to dress them alike sometimes and for more bows and pink girly things. But, if I'm perfectly honest, I'm disappointed we're not having a boy. I want Shawn to have a son. I want him to get to raise a boy, I want Eliza and Twin A to have a brother. But at this point, I don't think I can get pregnant again. It's too hard. And when I ask Shawn he says "We'd probably just have two more girls if we try again!"

Two girls? Do you have names picked out?! We've got our favorite names, but nothing is feeling quite as right as Eliza felt when we picked her name. And every time we think we've got it narrowed down one of us says "But what about. . ." So, nothing is decided yet.

So, how is twin pregnancy? How is it different than just one? Ok, I've already said that the morning sickness has been so much worse with this pregnancy. With Eliza it was gone by 18 weeks. But here we are at 23 weeks and I'm still experiencing morning sickness, and still on medication. I was starting to feel great, and forgot to take my pills one night and felt GREAT the next day. More energy, not nauseous at all, great! So, I decided to go off of the medication. And the second day was HORRIBLE. The morning sickness was awful. So, I went back on the medication. And while I feel OK with the medication, I don't feel great. I still get nauseous, especially after I eat, so I try to make sure I never have an empty stomach. Other than that, I'm tired all the time. They talk about second trimester energy, and I'm wondering where that is. I run out of energy really fast. Shawn tries to convince me to get one of those electronic shopping carts when we go to the grocery store. I'm huge. Not for 40 weeks, but when you remember I'm 23 weeks I'm huge. And I'm getting huge so much faster than with Eliza. It's like I can feel my belly growing and expanding. And it feels heavier. I also get woken up in the middle of the night with babies kicking. That never happened with Eliza. I take more vitamins than with Eliza, the regular prenatals, plus additional calcium, folic acid, and iron. And of course the morning sickness pills. So far we've had one "extra" ultrasound at 10 weeks to diagnose twins. But up until now the doctor visit schedule has been the same. After 24 weeks I'll start going to the doctor every 2 weeks. After 32 weeks I'll go every week. I have another ultrasound at 28 weeks and then I'll have them every 2-4 weeks. I'll also start getting Non-Stress Tests every 4-6 weeks at some point.

What were those morning sickness pills you're on? About day 3 of morning sickness (about 6 weeks pregnant) we called my sister-in-law who is a midwife to find out about the Vitamin B6 & Unisom combination, and what the dosage is, and she offered to write a prescription for Zofran. I took that with Eliza and it made the nausea worse, but she had a slightly different kind, so I tried it. It worked for about a day. So I called my OB the next Monday (it had been a Saturday when we talked to my sister in law) and they recommended a new medication called Diclegis. It was new on the market, the only one specifically for morning sickness, and the only one that was Class A. You start out with 2 pills at night. If they don't work you take two at night and one in the morning, if that doesn't work you add one in the afternoon. Until about 15 weeks I took four pills a day, then until about 18 weeks I was down at 3, and now I'm down to the two at night. I'll try to go off again in a few weeks, but I might end up taking this my entire pregnancy.

So, that's it! It's still a long post, but not nearly as "complainy" as I was worried it would be. It's been a LONG 23 weeks. My doctor won't let me go past 38 weeks, so I feel like it's going to be another LONG 15 weeks!

40 weeks, 6 days. . .

Baby Girl Walker is not making any sort of movements that she either wants to or is planning on making her entrance into this world any time soon, but here are my top 10 signs it's time for her to come:

1) The carseat has been installed (for 2 weeks!)
2) I finished the pregnancy book I bought the week I found out I was expecting.
3) I finished the most dreaded task on my to do list
4) I ran out of all of the pre-natal vitamin samples my sister-in-law, the midwife, gave me.
5) The Nursery is ready and waiting.
6) I am done with work (again, 2 weeks ago).
7) My Mom is done with working in the Temple for the summer (she didn't want the baby to come before she finished at the Temple so she could come and stay with us for the first few days.)
8) Shawn's papers are all written.
9) The closets have been organized.
10) The cradle Shawn's parents made for us has been delivered and is sitting in our bedroom waiting.

See Baby?  It's time for you to come!  Well, I'm off to my OB's office for a Non-Stress Test.  We're scheduled for an induction on Tuesday if she doesn't make her own appearance into this world before that.

I'm Still Here. . .

Well, my due date has come and gone.  I'm still here, still pregnant, still just waiting.  I might have begun the official nesting phase, but personally I feel like it's more because I'm bored that I'm cleaning out closets than because I'm nesting.  So far the kitchen drawers have been reorganized, the hall linen closet has been reorganized, and the cabinet in the master bedroom has been cleaned out, all tonight.  Shawn is even installing a dimmer switch in the nursery as I write this.

If you are friends with me in real life you likely know that I left my job to be a stay at home mom.  I do hope to write a post about that decision, it certainly wasn't one that was made quickly or lightly.  I've been unemployed for just over a week, and part of me still feels like I'm just on vacation and will be returning to work soon.  Part of me is kicking myself that I'm 3 days overdue and I could be working because really I feel great, and we need that money, and blah blah blah.  But most of me knows that work was so hard at the end, just getting there every day had become a real accomplishment.  It's hard to get out of bed early in the morning when you are exhausted all the time, and the hour long commute had become pure torture by the end.

So, here I am sitting around my house spending a lot of time reading one of my favorite books (it's 900+ pages, so it's taking a while) and catching up on facebook, and emailing friends from my office every day.  If I get one thing done from my to do list every day I feel like I've accomplished something. I get tired very easily and have to sit down a lot.

I go to bed every night wondering if tonight is the night, if I'll be woken up with contractions or my water breaking.  And every time I do wake up in the middle of the night I lay there for a moment analyzing my body, trying to figure out what woke me up, contraction? The ever present need to go to the bathroom? A cramp? Just need to turn over?  Every morning I wake up with a mixture of relief and disappointment.  I know it's necessary, but I'm still a bit apprehensive about the whole labor and giving birth to a baby thing.  And don't even get me started on the bringing home a baby and being responsible thing.

I was really REALLY hoping she would come in June.  I really wanted a June baby, and even more I wanted her to be born on June 29, my Grandma Knudsen's birthday.  No such luck.  And now I equally want her to be born on July 4th so she comes and don't want her to be born on July 4th so she doesn't have a holiday for her birthday.

But, there is an end in sight.  After tests and talking with my Dr. we've decided that if she doesn't come by July 10th I'll be induced.  One week left.  I still want her to come on her own, but at the same time am so relieved to know that there is a definite end date.

I've got lots of great posts in mind, and maybe with all this waiting for Baby Girl to come I'll actually get to them.  Is it nesting if it's getting my blog in order?

Oh yeah, I'm pregnant!

Here I am, 8.5 months pregnant, and it's still surprising to me.  I really have a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I'm pregnant, and then again around the fact that in just a couple of short weeks I will no longer be pregnant, but will be a Mom!  I never really thought I would be pregnant.  I thought I would be a Mom, but strangely I never thought that I would get there the normal way.  I had a pretty strong feeling all through my teenage years and adulthood that I would adopt, but that I would never carry a baby.  And here I am, feeling like a whale, huge and ready to pop. Sometimes I catch the sight of myself in a mirror and an so surprised that I'm pregnant, and that I've reached the huge point.  And on the very rare occasion when I've found a comfortable position to sleep in I'll wake up and try to move and have to remind myself that Oh, yeah, I'm pregnant.  I also have to remind myself that it's not going to be like this forever.  One day it won't be quite so difficult to turn over in my sleep. One day I'll be able to look at my whole closet again, not just the small portion with maternity clothes.  One day I'll feel confident enough in my balance to wear my beautiful high heels again, and maybe I'll even be able to do it while carrying this little girl in my arms.  One day soon I'll be on the other side of this pregnancy, and then I can start thinking about how strange it is that I am now a Mother.

Low moment or highlight?

I had an experience this past weekend and I'm not sure if it qualifies as a pregnancy highlight or a pregnancy low moment.  Shawn and I were on our way to my family cabin 90 minutes away to do our annual Memorial Day Weekend cleaning and special this year, to rebuild the deck.  About halfway through the ride I was so uncomfortable that we had to stop just so I could get up and walk around, so we decided to stop at the Walmart.  And since we were there and their garden section looked well stocked we decided to get a watermelon and honeydew plant.  And then we decided we had better get a card for our nephew's high school graduation.  And then. . . and then. . . and then. . . we ended up doing a lot more shopping! Well, even after walking around my maternity jeans just weren't cutting it.  They felt too small (HELP!  I'M EVEN GROWING OUT OF MY MATERNITY CLOTHES!) even though they're the over the belly kind, so I put the panel part under the belly, but that's STILL uncomfortable and cutting into my belly.  So, since we're in walmart, what do I decide to do?  I bought a pair of sweat pants.  Yep, I stopped halfway to my cabin and bought new clothes since the old ones were uncomfortable.  I've decided, there's nothing to be sad about, the new pants are the most comfortable ones in my closet currently, and it's a funny story.  Definitely a pregnancy highlight.

Grateful. . .

Today I am grateful. . .

. . . for a body that is healthy and strong enough to carry a baby.
. . . that it was easy for Shawn and I to get pregnant.  We were so worried that it would be hard, and I'm so grateful it wasn't.
. . . that pregnancy is nine months long, giving me enough time to prepare mentally, physically and spiritually.  (I have 4+ weeks to go, and while I'm prepared spiritually, and almost mentally, the physically part is still a work in progress!)
. . . for a husband who has supported me in every way, has lifted my spirits, taken care of me, loved me, and listened to my concerns both valid and irrational.  In every ways I couldn't do this without him.
. . . for family and friends who have shared in our excitement and joy.
. . . for a generous friend and sister-in-law who have kept me in clothing during my pregnancy, even down to a maternity swim suit.
. . . for modern medicine that allows me to see my baby at 20 weeks and lets me listen to her heartbeat.  That's my favorite part of every appointment, hearing her heartbeat calms any fears I may have.
. . . for a loving Heavenly Father who is trusting me with one of His children to raise on this earth.  I may not have any idea yet what it means to be a mother, and I may not truly understand for years to come, but I am grateful to get the opportunity to find out.

Big, Bold and Beautiful?

I'm well into my third trimester of pregnancy and I'm at the point where I'm starting to grow out of even my maternity clothes.  My favorite black work pants and the comfortable maternity jeans no longer fit.  So, I'm feeling big and with only about 6 weeks to go I don't want to spend money on any new clothes.  I did read on a fashion blog that in your third trimester you should concentrate on accessories.  So, a few weeks ago I took myself off to Target to see if I could find any cheap accessories that would be bold enough to make me feel different yet not so bold I feel like I'm pushing too much, uncomfortable.  And do you know what I came away with?  Well, two pairs of earrings sat in my cart for a while as I did the rest of my shopping and then were returned to the shelf as I thought things like "what will I wear them with?" and "I can't pull these off!" I did keep a cute beaded headband that I love to wear.  And here it is two weeks later, I'm feeling less and less confident in my clothes, and I still don't have any cute accessories.  I just don't know how to do it!  Any advice for how to accessorize?  Should I worry about if things "go" together or just find pieces I love? Where do you buy accessories?  I don't want to spend a lot of money only to discover I'm not bold enough to wear something, so I thought if I start with Target or Forever 21 I can branch out to more expensive pieces when I've built up my confidence.  Help!

Shaving. . . while pregnant

As well as being long, hard and tiring, pregnancy has some truly funny moments.  I'm so much better at complaining about not feeling good than I am at remembering or documenting the funny or good things, so here's a funny pregnancy moment.

Yesterday morning I decided to do the ultimate girly thing and shave my legs.  Under "normal" circumstances shaving legs is not such a big deal, but as I get bigger and as moving gets more difficult, normal things like painting toe nails and shaving legs become "big deals."  I feel frumpy so much I want to feel sexy and beautiful and put together when I can.  And for the first time in YEARS I nicked myself while shaving.  Not one of those little nicks that you forget until you put on lotion and then forget again until the next morning.  This was one of those nicks on the ankle bone that would NOT STOP BLEEDING.  I do my best over and over again to stop the bleeding, but then every time I put my foot on the ground the blood welled up again.  And since my balance now includes balancing a watermelon, two feet on the ground is a necessity.  All I need is a little bandaid so I can keep getting ready.  But unfortunately the bandaids are in the guest bathroom, down the hall, near the living room, where my husband is meeting with two other men from our church.  At this moment I seriously debated whether I could do the naked dash to the guest bath without being seen, and decided no, it was not possible.  The next debate was about a robe vs. fully dressed, and the image of me with my watermelon sized belly dashing down the hall in a robe that may or may not close at the front was not one I wanted to share with these men, so fully dressed it was.Which then turned into the comedy of trying to get dressed while simultaneously trying to NOT get blood on any of my clothes, and balance my ever changing body on one leg.  I'm finally dressed, I've succeeded in not staining the carpet or my clothes (not as much can be said about my towel), I wipe the continuing flow of blood from my ankle and start my waddle to the bathroom when I notice that the living room is dark and my husband is asleep on the couch.  ASLEEP!  After all of this effort to get dressed and I could have waddled out in my birthday suit!  Oh well.  That might just be the last time my legs get shaved until July when I no longer have to worry about the watermelon sized belly.  But I'm definitely lobbying for a pedicure since I can no longer see my toes let alone cut my toe nails. 

Body Changes

So, here I am at the end of my second trimester of pregnancy.  I'm 26 weeks today, or yesterday depending on if you pay attention to my pregnancy app or my OBGYN.  And I have to say, other than the horrible morning sickness, the hardest part of this pregnancy has been the change to my body image.  I kind of hesitate to say it just like that, because there's so much swirling in my mind that isn't covered by that statement.  And at the same time I'm totally fine with what's going on, it's just a big change.

Let's just start by saying for those of you who don't know me personally, I've always been a petite person.  I grew up taking ballet lessons and for a long time thought I'd be a professional ballerina.  Even though I've always been petite, I'm totally fine with the weight gain associated with pregnancy.  I weigh more right now than I ever have and I think it's great.  I don't even mind that my body is changing, that I've got this giant belly that's just getting bigger.  I do miss some of my cute clothes, especially my skirts and dresses, but I tell myself I will get to wear them again this summer.

I guess what is hard for me, what bothers me if you will is the change in how my body moves.  I can't touch my toes for the life of me.  I drop something and have to seriously weight the pros and cons of bending down to pick it up.  My belly bumps into the sink at work every time I wash my hands.  I've fallen down twice because I just couldn't recover the same way from a stumble.  I'm just not as agile as I used to be, and that is so frustrating! And that lack of agility is what makes me feel huge, even though I have 14 weeks to go.  And even though I'm OK weighing more, I guess it's the constant feeling of more weight on my belly that bothers me.  I'm constantly aware of my belly because I feel it constantly.  If it doesn't feel heavy, I'm getting kicked and prodded by my little one.  I miss just not thinking about it all the time.  Sometimes I beg Shawn, can you just take this for an hour or two so I can stretch and bend and take a nap on my belly?  I'm starting to be jealous of all those animals that do trade off the responsibilities of incubating the fetus. (I'm staring at you penguins!) And what I wouldn't give for a night of sleep that didn't involve thinking about how I'm sleeping.  I wake up constantly on my back, and that's a big no-no for pregnant women!  I know I SHOULD sleep on my left side, but sometimes my right side is just more comfortable, or simply the less uncomfortable of the two.  And it's more comfortable to sleep with a pillow between my legs, but it's harder to turn over, and then there's so much less space in bed with an extra pillow, and since I'm feeling huge anyway, space is important.

Oh friends, I want to embrace my body.  I want to embrace this pregnancy, and I think in a lot of ways I really do, but at the same time I feel frustrated, and big, and tired.  I'm not ready for it to be over because I'm not ready for a newborn, and I certainly don't want this baby girl coming before she is good and ready, but I do want a break.  I want a pregnancy break, just a few hours of my old body maybe in my old favorite dress.  Does anyone else feel like this or is it just me?  How is my body image going to change AGAIN when I've had the baby and need to lose the baby weight?  Will I ever feel like me again?

Just Good Enough

If there's one big lesson I've been learning during pregnancy, it's one that we all really need to learn in Kindergarten.  Sometimes I'm really good at this lesson, sometimes I need a big reminder, and being pregnant I've needed a giant reminder.  Don't compare yourself to other people.  It always ends up badly!  I've really tried to be good at reminding myself that every pregnant woman is different, and that even every pregnancy is different.  But I still do it, I still compare. 

I have a lovely coworker, a truly wonderful, kind, generous, friendly person, but I tend to get jealous of her pregnancy.  Let's just say that in a lot of ways this pregnancy has been hard on me.  I've struggled a bit, and she just didn't.  No morning sickness, no heartburn, she traveled and didn't have any of the usual pregnant symptoms.  And I find myself comparing my pregnancy to hers a lot and feeling inadequate a lot.  Morning sickness hit me hard, and I found myself jealous of her.  I took one trip for work while pregnant and it wiped me out and took days to recover!  I instantly cancelled the second trip I was planning in my head.  I am exhausted ALL THE TIME and having a seriously hard time making it to work in the mornings.  And then I compare myself to my coworker and I feel bad.  Why can't I do those things?  Why am I struggling so much?  Why does she have to (appear to) be so perfect at pregnancy?  And then I remind myself, that's just it!  To me, she appears perfect.  But we're not close friends.  I'm not the person she'd come crying to if she didn't feel well.  I'm not the person she'd tell if she was exhausted.  We don't even work on the same floor so I have no idea what time she gets in to the office in the morning, or if she's even there!  I don't know what she's going through, so I certainly don't need to compare myself to her.  And, I work with a bunch of parents.  My boss has been amazingly understanding, the women in my office have been supportive, and the men are excited.  I'm really lucky.  And I'm doing the best I can, and right now, that just has to be good enough.

Strange Cravings

Strange Cravings (so far)

1. Coffee  I don't drink coffee, never have, and I've never even liked the smell, so the fact that one day it smelled like the best thing in the world was particularly odd.
2. Popsicles  I did indulge in popsicles, wonderfully sweet, juicy, cold popsicles.  I want more right now.
3. Hamburgers  During morning sickness and shortly after hamburgers and cereal were the only "solid" foods that didn't make my stomach turn.  And when I went on a recent business trip to Atlanta I had a hamburger for dinner every night.  They were good too. 
4. Chocolate Ice Cream  There was a good stretch there when I had to have a bowl of chocolate ice cream every night. 
5. Baked Goods Donuts, chocolate cake, cupcakes, brownies, I want them all. 

It's A. . .

Cradles and Bassinets and Cribs, Oh My!

Can we talk baby furniture for a minute?  There are so many choices and options I feel like I'm drowning in a world of changing tables and dressers and cribs and mattresses and strollers and car seats!  ACH!  HOW DO YOU DECIDE?

I decided the crib was the first thing I was going to choose and then everything would fall into place from there, but seriously, there are 9,000 cribs out there and they ALL LOOK THE SAME!  I want a crib that is going to last if/when we have more babies, but don't want to spend a ton of money if I don't have to.  But, seriously, right now they all look basically the same, the $180 crib from Walmart and the $700 crib at baby stores.

Then there's changing tables and dressers.  Do I need both?  After talking to my sister she stressed the importance of making sure diapers and changing supplies are in easy reach, so I'm pretty sure I don't want JUST a dresser, but I secretly hate the way open shelved changing table look.  I like the idea of a changing table that has an open shelf and then dresser drawers underneath, is that enough?

And then there's the bassinet/cradle/moses basket dilema.  What should my baby sleep in for the first few weeks/months?  I know I'll want the baby in our room, and I know a crib is too big for both a newborn and for our room, but how do you decide on which option?!  And seriously, what's the difference between a cradle and a bassinet? Is portability important?

Oh, and I'm not even thinking about car seats and strollers and mattresses yet! But I do think I've made one important decision.  I think I've found a rocker/glider chair I like.  But it's only online, not in stores, so what if I get it and it's uncomfortable and I hate it?!

So, my Mom friends, what did you do?  Particularly for the first few weeks, what worked?  Or what didn't work?  And how did you decide what to get?  Am I overanalyzing?  HELP!

Am I Too Young for This?

Lately I've been feeling too young to be pregnant.  I've started really showing in the last couple of weeks, and not only showing, but not really trying to hide it when I'm around people I know.  But when it comes to people I don't know, I feel like I need to hide my pregnancy because I'm too young to be a mother.  You guys, I'm 33!  THIRTY THREE!  Let's acknowledge that I'm really at the end of my "ideal" child bearing years.  So, why do I feel like I'm too young to be pregnant?  I've always looked younger than my age, but it's not like I'm getting away with looking like I'm 16 anymore.

Maybe it's not that I'm too young to be a mother, maybe it's that I feel unqualified to be a mother.  Aren't I supposed to take a test or prove my worthiness BEFORE they let me bring a child into the world?  I mean, I had to pass a test to go to college, and I had to pass a test before they let me drive a car, and those things were relatively easy, but here I am pregnant, about to become a MOTHER, admittedly the hardest thing I will probably ever do, and I can just do it without passing any sort of test or taking a class or anything?

Or maybe it's because I've only been married for a little over a year.  I always thought I wanted to be married for two years before I had any children.  But that idea came when I was 23 and all my friends were getting married and it seemed insane to get married or have children.  And since I got married at 32, waiting for two years no longer seemed like a good idea, plus my husband was really against that idea.  And while I was totally on board with the "let's have a baby" plan, I also didn't feel completely prepared to become pregnant when I found out I was actually pregnant.  I thought I'd have a few more months at least!  (How a few more months would help me be more prepared, I have no idea.)  I feel like in the "real" world people wait longer to get married and have kids, but my husband and I have been on the fast track. And maybe that's the real problem, I need to stop comparing myself to some outside world.  In my world, in my reality, people get married fast, and they don't feel the need to wait for years and years to have children!  Who belongs to that other world anyway?  So, world, here I am!  Married for a year to the best man I have ever know and pregnant and happy!

Oh, and by the way, does anyone want to make me these cookies?  They look delicious!  I found them here, my new favorite blog!

A Long Update

Dear Blog,

I've been absent for a few months.  Oh, you didn't notice?  Well, I have a really good reason.  I've been sick and I haven't wanted to write and only whine about how sick I feel.  But not writing about how sick I feel just doesn't seem right under the circumstances.  This is a good kind of sickness, or at least the kind of sickness that will have a really great ending and has a time limit of 5 more months!  Yep, you probably did the math and figured it out, I'm pregnant!  The morning sickness has been pretty rough.  Especially since I'm 18 weeks and it's supposed to be over by now according to blogs and books and friends.  But, it's still hanging in there reminding me how miserable I can feel.  I'll try to write about some of the funnier aspects of morning sickness at another time, but now I just want to remember some of the more fun parts of pregnancy so far.

Shawn and I took a trip to Disneyland in October with his brother Lance's family.  We'd been planning it for months and I was absolutely determined NOT to be pregnant at Disneyland.  Right before we left I was a bit suspicious that I might be pregnant and my period was technically one day late when we left.  But it hadn't been particularly regularly since I went off of birth control, so I decided it wasn't a big deal.  We had a great time in Disneyland, but my period still hadn't shown up when we got back on Sunday night.  Monday I knew it was time to take a test, but I was so nervous about it!  We had decided to start trying, but I thought it would take months before we actually got pregnant!  I didn't feel ready, I thought I would have more time.  We had a family party right after work, and I just couldn't think about anything else, and we went straight to the store from the party where we ran into a neighbor who was just so chatty!  I kept thinking, "We have things to do!  We can't sit here and chat with you!"  

I was too nervous to actually look at the pregnancy test, so I left it sitting on the counter and told Shawn to go in and look at it.  And sure enough we are pregnant! Shawn was so excited right from the first moment, but I was terrified!  It took me a few days to not be freaked out about the whole thing, and honestly it's taken me a few weeks to get excited! 

And then the morning sickness settled in.  And the painful sciatic nerve.  And heartburn.  And lots of cramping and stretching.  And congestion.  I feel like if there's a pregnancy symptom I've had it.  At first I didn't want to tell anyone, not a soul, until 12 weeks.  But after the first couple of days of morning sickness I had to call my Mom, and as soon as I called my Mom Shawn called his.  Then I had to tell my sister because it's been too long since my Mom has been pregnant, and she never had morning sickness.  And so much for waiting until 12 weeks.  We slowly told people, but did manage to keep it mostly secret until Christmas.

Shawn had to work for my first OB appointment at 8 weeks, so I invited my Mom to come, and it was so sweet to have her with me.  Part of me was scared that they would tell me I wasn't pregnant and just had the stomach flu, despite the pregnancy test and no period.  When we heard the heartbeat for the first  time it became real for the first time!  And then they had a portable ultrasound that was new in the office, so I got my first ultrasound and saw my tiny baby moving around and looking just like a baby!  And that's when I started to cry.  That is an amazing experience and one I won't even try to really describe!

Shawn came with me to the 12 week appointment which was our first with the actual doctor who was going to deliver our baby.  I'm glad he was there to meet her with me and hear the heartbeat again.  That's by far the best part of the appointment, just a reassurance that Baby Walker is still in there and going strong.

We haven't come up with any good nicknames for the baby yet.  When I talk to it I just call it "Baby."  Shawn doesn't talk to the baby like I do, but when he talks about the baby he always calls the baby a he.  Shawn is determined he's having a boy!  I think it's a girl, but am not completely determined.  For a little while we called it Franny because it was the size of a raspberry, and Fran is similar to the spanish word for Raspberry, but it didn't stil for more than a couple of days.

We have a great pregnancy app on my phone and have had fun reading the updates every week and seeing what fruit or vegetable I'm carrying now.  Currently the baby is the size of a Mango, but I suspect it's more of a baked potato.

Well blog, that's enough for tonight.  And hopefully the morning sickness will stay away for a few more days and I'll be able to write the humorous part of morning sickness.

Annie