Spreading Joy

On Sunday you toddle around going from person to person.  You climb on laps and get people to hand you keys and let you play with their programs. You love Sister Harris.  She is from Scotland and I love her accent too.  You sit on her lap and then you come back to Mommy and Daddy for a minute and then you go back to Sister Harris.  She whispers in your ear and you sit and listen to her. You come back to get books or sippy cups and take them to Sister Harris.  At the end of Sacrament I pick you up and Sister Harris tells me how you spread joy.  You spread happiness wherever you go. And I know it is true.

This Is 6:00

It's 6:00. Despite 30 minutes of furious cleaning my house still looks like a disaster zone. The baby wants to both be held and put down at the same time. The husband worked late to finish a project. The caffeine has worn off and I've had entirely too much chocolate cake for today. I'm done. Except I still have to figure out something for dinner, finish the laundry, unload the dishwasher so I can load the dishwasher, do something about the tornado cleanup, and put a baby to bed. And for some reason the baby now HATES her high chair. She won't let me go near it to put her in it. She screams and arches her back, and if I do manage to put her in it she gets hysterical and won't eat. So, I figured out if I put a video on my laptop she will magically watch it and let me put her in the high chair and feed her. Only, that's not a good long term solution nor a good precedent to set. 

My goal for tonight is to simply get the baby in bed and maybe sit on the couch watching The Bachelorette and perhaps fold the laundry that's been in the dryer for a week. And eat another slice of chocolate cake. And tomorrow I will start fresh, it will be a new day. 

Eliza and Ga

Eliza and Scooter getting acquainted.

Almost from the time we found out I was pregnant we worried about how Scooter (our 5 year old miniature schnauzer) would feel about the baby. Would he be protective? Would he be territorial? He didn't have a history of liking kids, but we hoped that he would feel differently about a baby in his own family.  For the first six months Scooter didn't really seem to like Eliza. He ignored her as much as possible, and as she grew to be aware of her surroundings she was more and more fascinated with Scooter. Scooter had a bad habit of waiting until Eliza was napping and then barking uncontrollably. He is usually quiet and lays in his spot on the couch, but if something gets him going, it's hard to get him to stop and it is loud and annoying.  Many a nap was interrupted by Scooter. We had heard that the baby will be used to sounds like dogs barking because she'll hear them while she's still in utero, but that didn't seem to help when Scooter got going.

Everything changed about the time we started to give Eliza solid foods.  Suddenly, she was interesting to the dog because she had food.  And she dropped food. And he could eat the dropped food. And that changed everything.  Instead of resenting Eliza or ignoring Eliza, Scooter became Eliza's best friend even when she didn't have food.  He was much more tolerant of her. She can play with him and he will play back in his own unique way. (He growls when he's playing, it makes other people nervous to watch, but we know it's his play mode.) He lets her grab his toys out of his mouth. He lets her hug him. The only time he gets frustrated with her is when he's in his kennel. And of course Eliza wants to be wherever Scooter is, so I'm trying to teach her that the kennel is Scooter's place and she needs to leave him alone when he's in there.

When we were in San Francisco recently Scooter went to stay with Shawn's brother who lives nearby. About halfway through the trip Eliza did the sign for dog (patting her leg) and then looked at us and said "Ga?" Ga is her word for Scooter. (She doesn't say Mama yet, but she has a word for the dog.) She wanted to know where Scooter was, and it melted our hearts.  When we came home from San Francisco Eliza chased Scooter all over the house yelling "Ga!" over and over again.  Our little family was reunited.

First Big Trip

Dear Eliza,

We just got back from our first big vacation as a family of three, a trip to San Francisco! And there are certain thing I always want to remember. Like how you draw people to you.  People stopped us at the airport, walking down the sidewalk, just about everywhere we went to tell us how beautiful you were.  Your smile and wave naturally draws people to you, and I wonder how that will manifest itself in your future. We were on a bus stuck in traffic when you started to wave at the cars stuck next to us, and every single car you waved to waved back, from the minivan full of people to the macho guy texting, you got everyone to stop and wave at you and smile. You were such a trooper on this little trip, taking naps on trains and busses and in your carrier and stroller, being patient with Mommy and Daddy as we went shopping and messed with your schedule, and being great at flying, well, for the first flight.  The second flight was a different story. On the first flight the flight attendant was saying goodbye to a friend named Alina, and you called out to her and waved catching all of the flight attendant's attention.  They loved you. When Daddy was shopping you talked and talked and talked to the clerk until he asked Daddy what you were saying and Daddy had to say "I have no idea." You were pretty insistent about helping our bus driver give the tour as we drove home from seeing Muir Forest. You charmed other kids and adults alike. Everywhere we went we heard people commenting about you, "look at that cute baby, did you see the way she's sitting in her stroller?" You like to sit with one leg straight out in front of you. I was that Momma in the airport who let her baby walk barefooted in a public place, but you truly brought joy and smiles to countless people who watched you walk with glee from the gate to baggage claim! (And I didn't dare try to put shoes on you, you would start to scream if I made any move to stop you.)

Your Daddy and I love to travel, and traveling with your Daddy reminds me of why I love him.  I hope as you grow up you love to travel just as much as we do.

Love,

Momma

Not Ready

Today my baby girl turns one. I keep reading that when they turn one they are no longer babies but are now toddlers overnight.  I am not ready for that.  This year has been fast and slow, amazing and difficult all at the same time, but I am not ready for it to be over. I think back to a year ago, to waiting and hoping that she would come any day now.  I remember going to the hospital to be induced, then having a c-section, and finally after 9 months of pregnancy, 10 days overdue, 12 hours of labor in the hospital they placed this beautiful baby in my arms and I was forever changed. They tell you time goes fast, they tell you so much changes, but it was just yesterday that she was born, wasn't it?

It was just yesterday that we brought her home, that my Mom came to visit and lost our dog.  It was just yesterday that we figured out breastfeeding, that she smiled for the first time.  It was just yesterday that we moved her from her cradle to her crib, that she started solid foods, that she rolled over and sat up and crawled and took her first step.

And now my little tiny baby girl is marching all over the house.  She has an opinion about where she wants to go, but will cry when I leave the room without her. She talks and talks to us telling us so many things that I wish I could understand.  She points to things, sometimes to things that we are talking about, but usually she points and talks and I wish I knew what she was thinking. She gives hugs to the dog (but not Momma or Daddy), she knows the signs for milk, more, food, dog. She smiles and giggles at Daddy more than anyone else, but she cuddles into Momma when she's tired, hungry, or around new people. She loves wearing shoes and hats, but also loves to take them off. Her world has exploded this past month meeting family from Alaska, Indiana and New Mexico. She loves her cousins and loves to watch them play.

What happened to the newborn? I was always so excited to see what she was going to do next, but I also really tried to appreciate every moment, every stage, but they all flew by. I am not ready. I am not ready to put my baby to bed and wake up my toddler in the morning. I am not ready for her independence.

I love you Baby Girl.  I love you fiercely, in a way I think you will only understand when you become a momma yourself. I will embrace every change, be excited about every new thing you do, wether it's stacking blocks, or learning to read, or dancing about the house. But you will always be my newborn, my baby. I will always cherish the moments I held you in my arms and rocked you to sleep. I will look at you and see all the moments of you life all at once.  I see my newborn and my strong independent almost 1-year old, and the beautiful little girl you are becoming. You will always be my baby and I will always be your Momma.

The Last 6 Weeks. . .

I've been struggling a little bit lately with the "Homemaker" part of my new role as a stay at home mom.  I just can't seem to do everything I want to do.  Ideally I'd have a clean house, a meal on the table for my husband in the evenings, and an updated blog. But in real life the 30 minutes between Shawn texting me that he's on his way home and him showing up are the busiest 30 minutes of the day as I hurry to get dressed, make the bed, and quickly pick up the house.  And too many times none of that gets done and he walks into a mess and a wife who is still in her PJs.  And I feel like I've gotten nothing done the entire day.

I think back on my days and I'm busy! I pick up after a baby multiple times a day.  I still nurse her 6 times a day, I change her diaper, I feed her solids, we play together and read books.  I do laundry that might never get put away, but at least it's clean.  And that fills up my day.  Especially since lately I only have a baby who will sleep in my arms.

I did realize recently that I only have space for so much going on in my brain at once. I can only concentrate on one or two things that take effort at a time.  And lately those two things have been getting Eliza to nap and gain weight.  I simply can't worry about or focus on more than that or I might have a nervous break down.

Between Eliza's last two doctor visits she LOST weight.  That is the wrong way to be going on the scale, baby girl! I could tell she wasn't growing very fast, but had no idea that she was losing weight.  It was only a matter of ounces, not pounds, but still, it was the wrong direction.  So, the last six weeks we've been concentrating on getting her to gain weight through "power packing" her foods.  And then you need to add to that stress her getting sick and then getting the stomach flu, and not having any solids for a week.  So, we add butter or high fat yogurt to everything she eats.  I concentrate on proteins and dairy.  I have spent way too much time in the baby food aisle comparing calories between baby foods.  Pears have more calories than apples, and peas have more calories than green beans.  I bet you didn't know that. Three years ago I never would have thought I'd be standing in the yogurt aisle at Walmart at 10:00 on a Friday night trying to find the yogurt with the most calories and fat per serving. (Yoplait Baby yogurt and The Greek Gods Traditional Plain yogurt are the answers by the way.)

And then there's the napping situation. I've written about it before, so I won't go into it again, but let's just say, nothing has changed or gotten better and I'm just grateful when she gets a nap even if it means it's in my arms.

So, that's where all of my effort, concentration, stress has been going, and things like cleaning house, making dinner, blogging have all taken a back seat. Now that we've figured out more foods Eliza likes, and she's making headway on the eating I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulder, the clouds have drifted apart somewhat, and I can start to see what else needs work.  Next week we visit the pediatrician for a weight check and will find out if our efforts have paid off.  But Eliza already feels heavier to me and Shawn thinks she's getting a little belly.  I'm certain we'll be keeping with the power packing for a while, but maybe now I'll be able to concentrate on me every once in a while.  Oh yeah, and dinner.

Lately...

The past few months have been HARD! Sickness has hit the Walker house, and we just can't seem to get rid of it! First, it was me, sick for a good 6 weeks before I started to feel any real, consistent improvement. Then just as I healed Eliza came down with her first REAL sickness. It started with a fever (they don't put baby's first fever in the baby books, but man that feels like something to be remembered. Now I REALLY know what a fever feels like, scary!) then came the cough, the runny nose, the sore throat. Those were long days and longer nights. Thank goodness for Shawn's help trading off holding a sick baby every few hours at night. Without him there would have been no sleep.

Before Eliza got better Shawn went out of town for a conference. Eliza and I packed up and headed to Grandma's house where we both got the TLC we needed for a couple of days. And then, Shawn got Eliza's cold while still out of town. I think getting to sleep through the night in a hotel helped him, but having his flight coming home cancelled due to weather, putting him out of town an extra day didn't help either of us. Those were long hard days being a single mommy.

Then the bug hit Eliza again. This time just a mysterious fever. Poor little thing. But luckily I was more equipped to deal with it. I'm now a pro at taking her temperature and giving her ibuprofen all by myself. But before Eliza was better I got sick again! This time a 24 stomach flu. All Eliza wanted to do was nurse, but I had nothing for her, my reserves were low, I couldn't even sit up to nurse! Luckily Shawn was home to take care of both of us. I'm not sure what I would do without that man. I sure need him.

Eliza is on the mend but now it's a lovely rash that followed the fever that the pediatrician's office says is totally normal. Once the rash goes and the appetite comes back I'll declare Eliza well enough to leave the house, but until then we're hunkering down. Send chocolate!