On Love

I remember being a teenager and feeling like I didn't know what love felt like. It made me wonder if I had every truly felt love. I knew I hadn't been IN love, but what about the love you feel for your family or friends? I don't think my problem was that I was unfeeling, I think it was more that I had never NOT felt love. I was secure in the love of my parents and siblings.

When I was in my late twenties I fell in love for the first time. It was early on in our relationship and I was in the head over heels happy part where I knew I really really really liked this guy. And then out of nowhere he used the "L" word.  Not the "like" l word, the big one.  The one that gets a big red capital L, LOVE. And I was so off guard. I didn't know if I could say it back. I didn't even know what it meant. So I took a week to think about it and then I told him I loved him too. And now years later as I reflect back upon that time and that moment, I'm not entirely sure it was love.  Like, absolutely, twitter pated, probably, love, I'm not so sure. But then and there I was in LOVE and it was wonderful. Only love wasn't kind and lasting, love came crashing down a few months later and left me confused and hurt.

Fast forward a few years. I was dating Shawn who was wonderful and patient and kind. Only I wasn't feeling all those head rush feeling I had felt with that last big relationship when I was in "love." And it made me feel confused. I knew I really liked him. I knew I wanted to spend more time with him, but by this point in that other relationship I had been IN LOVE, and I wasn't with Shawn. But what I didn't realize was that love takes many forms.  And sure, that fast love of your youth is fun and exhilarating, but very hard to maintain. It can sour as quickly as it came on. But true love, enduring love can take longer to come. It doesn't jump out and hit you suddenly. It builds slowly.  So slowly that you look back and have no idea when it began.

When Shawn and I had been dating about four months I went with him to an extended family party, a Memorial Day barbecue in Wyoming. I was talking to an uncle of his who asked me if we were in love. I was a little startled that this person I had just met would ask me such a personal question. I hadn't thought about it.  Was I in love with Shawn? I stammered some answer about not having said that to each other yet and the conversation moved on, but the thought lingered. Was I IN LOVE with Shawn? So, I thought about it. For days I thought about it. And I came to the same conclusion over and over and over again. I was in love with him. And I was surprised because I hadn't seen it coming, but there it was and had been for a while and I couldn't pinpoint when the feeling began or why or how, it was just there, like part of me. And I wanted to call him and tell him I loved him, but I was terrified. What if he didn't love me back? What if it was too soon to say such things? So, I waited. But I was bursting inside, I loved him! And every time I saw him I wanted to tell him, I LOVE YOU! But I didn't. I decided to wait until it didn't matter if he couldn't say it back.

So, a few weeks later I decided to say it. In Spanish because Shawn was a Spanish Teacher. So he came over one night and before we went off to whatever we had planned I sat him on the couch and said "Yo te amore." To which Shawn replied like a Spanish Teacher, "It's te amo." And I said "Te amo." And he replied "Good, te amo." I looked him directly in the eye and said rather forcefully, "No, Shawn. Te amo." And the lightbulb went on above his head and he said "Oh, Annie, I love you too!"

But now there's this new kind of love taking over my heart. It's just as all encompassing as that first love feeling, but also quiet and enduring. It's the love I have for sweet Eliza. I'm overwhelmed with this love for her. I can feel this love tangibly in my heart, and sometimes it feels like my heart will stop beating because of this love for her. This unconditional love that persists even when she hits me when I try to sing her lullabies, or when she screams "NO MOMMY!" every five minutes. And then I see Shawn and Eliza together, laughing or playing, or just him holding her while she sleeps and this love swells even more because of the two of them. And now I understand love. I understand what it is to love and be loved, truly loved. And it may not be quite the same as the first time, but it's oh so much better.

19 days and counting. . .

Playing next to a sick Momma on the floor is still fun.

I have been sick.  For weeks.  For over half of the month of February I have been fighting a stupid cold.  I had the "I need to stay in bed" type of cold for about 10 days and have had the "I feel OK getting out of bed, but my head still hurts, I'm still coughing, and my nose won't stop running" type of cold for about a week now. I'm really sick of being sick. But I have a few observations to share with you.

One of the worst "side effects" of being sick is that I've lost my voice, and consequentially can't sing.  Which ordinarily wouldn't affect me, but it means I can't sing to my baby, which makes our bedtime and nap time routine a little off.  I miss singing lullabies to Eliza.

My husband likes making the bed.  A lot.  There were several days I stayed in bed and Shawn stayed home to take care of Eliza and I.  I would get up to use the bathroom or get something to eat and return to find that Shawn had made the bed.  Which is awesome, I love a made bed too, except when I'm getting right back into it because I'm sick.

Scooter loves tissues.  He loves to eat tissues.  Only used tissues.  And when I'm in bed for a week sometimes the tissues don't make it to the garbage can (which we keep in the closet on top of Scooter's kennel so he can't get into it) immediately after use.  And Scooter would lie in wait for me to get out of bed for a minute so he could steal the tissues off of my nightstand and eat them.  Gross!  Even now when I'm trying to be so diligent about putting the tissues right in the trash can he manages to find them, take them to our bedroom and eat them on my side of the bed. I'm constantly finding little bits of partially eaten tissues.

Well, March will be here by the end of this week, so here's to a healthier March!  (And a hopefully less snowy one as well!)

Middle of the Night

Last night was one of those nights that every parent has experienced.  Eliza woke us up at her usual time (which I won't write down because Shawn doesn't like knowing what time it is when he gets up in the middle of the night) and I was strangely in a deep sleep.  I didn't know that I could sleep that deeply any more.  Shawn got up and changed her diaper, and it took me a few minutes for my body and mind to come together so that I could get up, walk down the hall, and take Eliza to nurse her.  She was crying by the time I took her from Shawn, she was hungry.  But she latched on quickly and quieted down and snuggled herself into my body.  I held her warm body close and rocked her.  Her small hand was cold and was restless, one minute hitting my cheek, the next fumbling with the cloth of my pajamas. I held her hand in mine to warm it up and to calm her down.  She finished eating and was wide awake, just looking around, so I sat her on my lap and sang our lullaby. I sat with her on my lap and she seemed the calm for a few minutes and then would talk and giggle and wiggle.  Where did this energy come from in the middle of the night? Usually she only nurses on one side in the middle of the night, but I put her on the other side as well, hoping it would calm her down, help her to fall asleep.  I put her lovey in her hand so it wouldn't explore like her hand on the first side.  It seemed to work, she fell asleep. But as if she was reading my thoughts as soon as I decided to move her to her crib, that she was asleep enough that she wouldn't wake and cry, she turned her head, looked at me and smiled, as if to say, "Ha! I fooled you! Silly Mommy!" And then she started to giggle and talk.  Oh, my sweet, adorable girl.

But, Mommy was tired and needing to get back to sleep.  I looked at the clock, we had been at this for well over an hour, I wanted to go get Shawn, to tag out, to tell him it was his turn.  But I waited and rocked, and held her hands and stroked her head with my cheek.  But she was still awake, still giggling, talking, looking around, happy.  I looked at the clock again and decided that I would give it 13 more minutes, and if she wasn't sleepy in 13 minutes I would tag Shawn in.  I stood up and started to do my best Momma bounce, the one that works to put her down for a nap every day.  And she didn't like it.  She started to get fussy, upset.  And five minutes later, with eight minutes to go, Shawn came to get her.  And we wordlessly passed her between us. Eliza loves her Daddy, I didn't hear another peep from her, she calmed down as soon as I put her in his arms. I handed him her lovey and softly closed the door behind me.  It had been 90 minutes.

I'm a Mom

I'm a Mom.  Those three little words are so overwhelming and encompassing right now.  I've been reflecting for days on what that means.  I'm a Mom!  My love for this little girl is overwhelming, a lot of things are overwhelming right now!  I look at her and can't believe that I created her, that she is part of me and part of Shawn, and yet she is more beautiful than I ever imagined she would be.  Seeing Shawn as her Daddy is amazing, watching him hold her, listening to him sing to her, incredible.  I could sit and hold her all day long and never get anything done around the house.  When she cries my heart aches to comfort her, to make it all better, but I also have all the patience with her, waiting for her to get the cry out.  When she looks at me I feel like the most important person in the world.  I want to tell her everything at once, and yet have no idea where to begin.  How do I help her know how special and important and beautiful she is?  What is she thinking?  What does she know or remember from before she came to this earth?  Welcome to the world Baby Girl.  I can't wait to get to know you.

Grateful. . .

Today I am grateful. . .

. . . for a body that is healthy and strong enough to carry a baby.
. . . that it was easy for Shawn and I to get pregnant.  We were so worried that it would be hard, and I'm so grateful it wasn't.
. . . that pregnancy is nine months long, giving me enough time to prepare mentally, physically and spiritually.  (I have 4+ weeks to go, and while I'm prepared spiritually, and almost mentally, the physically part is still a work in progress!)
. . . for a husband who has supported me in every way, has lifted my spirits, taken care of me, loved me, and listened to my concerns both valid and irrational.  In every ways I couldn't do this without him.
. . . for family and friends who have shared in our excitement and joy.
. . . for a generous friend and sister-in-law who have kept me in clothing during my pregnancy, even down to a maternity swim suit.
. . . for modern medicine that allows me to see my baby at 20 weeks and lets me listen to her heartbeat.  That's my favorite part of every appointment, hearing her heartbeat calms any fears I may have.
. . . for a loving Heavenly Father who is trusting me with one of His children to raise on this earth.  I may not have any idea yet what it means to be a mother, and I may not truly understand for years to come, but I am grateful to get the opportunity to find out.

40 Things. . .

I think being pregnant and finding out we're having a girl has made me particularly mushy this Valentine's Day. 

When Shawn and I were dating he celebrated his 40th birthday and I wrote him an email with 40 things I loved about him.  It started out easy, then around 20 it got hard, and then around 40 I didn't want to stop.  I realized as I was composing the email that I wanted Shawn to be in my life forever and always and that I wanted to marry this man!  Somewhere around this time Shawn realized the same thing about me because it was on his 40th birthday he showed his parents the ring he had picked out for me and told them he was going to propose!

In honor of this Valentine's Day, and in honor of the overflowing love I feel for the man who is going to be a Daddy to our little girl, here's the email of 40 thing I love about my Shawn.

Happy Birthday Mr. Walker! 

 

To celebrate this wonderful occaision, this day when the world went from being without Shawn Walker to being with Shawn Walker I'd like to give you 40 thing I love about you:

 

1. I love how patient you are
2. I love that you support me
3. I love that you are committed to making our relationship work
4. I love that you make me laugh
5. I love how much your family adores you
6. I love that you had your nieces and nephews over for a sleepover!
7. I love that you always hold my hand
8. I love that you love to play games
9. I love that you wanted me to meet your family (even if it freaked me out)
10. I love how happy Scooter makes you
11. I love that you are always willing to do what I ask you wether it be going to a family party or changing a tall lightbulb. 
12. I love how you take care of me
13. I love that you own a home.
14. I love that you let me plant flowers in your yard.
15. I love that you push me to try new things (like riding a motorcycle!)
16. I love that the first time we talked on the phone you told me you wanted a Mini Cooper. 
17. I love that when you make fun of me I know you are doing it because you love me. 
18. I love that you have a pool. 
19. I love that you want to listen to me talk about girlie things. (Or are willing to listen?)
20. I love your bald head.  :)
21. I love how I feel when I am with you
22. I love that you make bread from scratch
23. I love cooking with you
24. I love that I feel comfortable talking about the gospel with you
25. I love that you played Pretty Pretty Princess with Maya
26. I love that you have goals and ambitions for the future
27. I love that you like to travel
28. I love that when you are telling me something serious or important that you get quiet
29. I love going on drives with you
30. I love that you take interest in my roommates
31. I love that we have the same values
32. I love that you take your home teaching seriously
33. I love watching you with your nieces and nephews
34. I love that you know so much about things I know so little about
35. I love that you are willing to go to the ballet with me
36. I love spending time with you no matter what we do
37. I love that you encourage me, wether it's working out or finding a new job
38. I LOVED it when you took me to the airport
39. I love getting emails and text messages from you in the middle of the day.
40. I LOVE YOU!

North Carolina

I love to travel.  I love visiting new cities and learning how they work.  I love shopping in new cities and visiting restaurants.  I love maps and travel technology.  I love apps that help me find a place to eat.  I love using technology to find my favorite store in a new city.  And this is a love that Shawn and I share, we both love to travel.  We love to visit new countries and learn about new cultures.  But something changed in my love of travel when I began to love Shawn.  I know that they say that love can grow, but in some ways loving Shawn made me love travel less.  The problem is that now when I do travel I want to travel WITH Shawn.  I want to share new cities and new experiences with him.

I was in North Carolina for work last week.  Try as I might to convince Shawn to take a week off of work  and come to North Carolina with me, the romance of sitting in a hotel for a week by himself while I worked didn't convince him to join me.  Nor did the awesome hotel with an indoor waterpark.  And the week I spent in North Carolina was one of the longest weeks of my life.  It had nothing to do with the meeting I attended, or the person I traveled with, or the appointments I had.  It had everything to do with being away from Shawn.  I wanted to be able to share everything with him.  I wanted to sit at the table at night with him and tell him about my day.  I wanted to hold his hand while I fell asleep.  I wanted him with me to laugh at the strange pictures on the walls of the hotel.  I wanted to explore with him.  

But while I hate traveling without him, I love that we live when we do and have the technology available to us.  I can take pictures and immediately send them to him.  I can text him or email him about things that make me laugh.  I can call him at night easily.  And the best invention we found this week was face time from Apple.  When I travel for work I can take an iPad with me and I LOVE using facetime to chat with Shawn at home with our MacBook.  I loved being able to show him my hotel room. I loved seeing his face.  And that's what made this week bearable.  

Highlights of the week:

1) Staying at the Great Wolf Lodge in Concord, North Carolina.  It felt like a strange place for a meeting since they really cater to families, but the staff was amazing and the meeting went really well.  The water park looked like a lot of fun, and I would definitely stay there again.  And the little kid inside of me really wanted to go buy a magic wand and participate in their Magic Quest.  

2) My travel companion would not agree with me, but I loved our second hotel too, the Blake Hotel in Charlotte, NC.  I thought the lobby was swanky and loved my room and the view of the city.  I didn't like that it didn't have a gym but you had to go across the street to work out (which I didn't do).  The staff was also really amazing and friendly.  Is that a North Carolina thing?

3) The three hour drive each way from Charlotte to Raleigh.  OK, driving for 8 hours in a car with a colleague in one day isn't exactly what I would call fun, but I loved seeing the drive from Charlotte to Raleigh.  We didn't take the main interstate, but our Garmin sent us a less direct way that took the same amount of town.  We drove through the town Pittsboro, and I fell in love with it.  I want to go back and stop in this town!


Next time I'm in North Carolina I'm taking Shawn with me.  And I'm glad the next trip I have planned is a trip with Shawn to DISNEYLAND!

Do You Know How Much I Love You?

Annie: (while Shawn is getting ready to leave for class) Do you know how much I love you?

Shawn: I love you too honey.  (Pause, looks at me, realizes he didn't answer Annie's question, decides to play along.) I mean, how much do you love me?

Annie:  I love you THIS much (stretches her arms out wide with fingers outstretched as well.)  See how even my fingers are stretched so that my love can stretch beyond my fingers and never end? (moves her arms so they are stretching towards Shawn.) And now I'm shooting my love across the room to you.

Shawn: (shuddering as if he's been zapped by Annie's love ray) I can feel the love!  I love you too!

Among many other reasons I'm glad I married a man willing to play along with my silliness.

Now I have to go mow the lawn, because that's how much I love my man.  I'll mow the lawn for him AND pick up the dog poop.