Missing

I'm starting to miss work, which is totally unexpected.  I'm starting to think of ways I could have done my job differently, or how I could have improved.  These are things I could never see as I was in the middle of it, day by day, but now that it's all over, I can see how I could have been better, and part of me wants to go back, wants a second chance.

I'm missing people mostly.  I miss my coworkers.  I miss driving to work with Kathy, and having cake for birthdays.  I miss Diane's weekend stories every Monday morning, and talking to Julie and Tamme. I miss asking Tori's opinion and having Caryn come in to my office.  I miss talking to Angela about my clients. I miss being downtown.  I miss going to City Creek and Gateway for lunch.  I miss lunches at the COB with The Hawaiian Haystack Thursday gang. I miss Relief Society with Emily. I miss hanging out at Apricot with Laura. I miss window shopping.  I miss putting on nice clothes and wearing heels every day.  I miss knowing everything that's going on in the city.  I miss the excitement of Outdoor Retailers.

I love Eliza and there is no part of me that would give her up to do any of those old things, even at 4:00 in the morning.  But right now I'm wishing I lived closer to downtown so it was easier to capture those old things.  I wish I could run away to Laura's for an evening of TV together.  I wish I could do lunch with Cary and Kathy and Allison at City Creek.  I miss my old friends and lately it's been harder to be so far away and in such a different spot in life.

So Fast

Dear Eliza,

You are growing up so fast and I just want to put you in a time capsule and tell you to stop!  Everyone at church today was telling me how big you are getting and I wanted to pout, stomp my feet and say "No, she's not!" to each and every one of them.  You are adorable and perfect right now and part of me wants to keep you just like this for a while longer, but part of me knows that it's impossible, and of course I want you to grow and learn and change.  I get excited every time you do something new.  The night you started eating your foot I called Grandma and Grandpa to let them know.  Daddy and I love to watch you splash and splash in the bathtub.  You are so close to rolling over both ways, and Daddy and I can spend hours watching you try.  Right now is my favorite time with you so far as you learn to interact, to watch, and to try new things.  But every time has been my favorite time.  I loved having a newborn asleep in my arms.  I loved one month old you as you started to smile.  I loved two month old you and three month old you, and I love four month old you.  I'm excited for you to sit up soon, and to crawl and walk, to learn to talk and say my name.  I'm excited for you to learn to tell jokes and sing songs.  I 'm excited for you running to your Daddy when he gets home from work.  But I can wait for all of those things because today I am just enjoying you as you are.  You are perfect.

Love, 

Momma

Blissfully Quiet

It's blissfully quiet in my house at the moment.  The baby is asleep, the dog has been put in his kennel for the night, and Shawn is at class.  It wasn't like this last night.  Last night was the hardest night I've had as a Momma so far.  Eliza's bed time is at 7, and we followed routine and she was down by 8.  But then at 9 she woke up, which is very strange for her, but we got her back to sleep.  Only to have her wake up again at 11:30, which is sadly when Shawn and I were heading to bed.  And then she kept us up literally all night long.  Shawn and I traded off taking care of her, and we would get her to sleep, put her back in her crib, and just as our heads hit the pillows and we thought, ah, sleep, she would start crying.  All. Night. Long.  We're pretty sure she had an upset belly last night.  Poor little thing.  We just didn't know how to help her, she was so sad, crying so much, not a happy camper.  And by 7:00 am when we were up for the day I was so exhausted I couldn't see straight and I kissed my poor exhausted husband goodbye for an incredibly long day.

But really, what I'm grateful for today are small tender mercies.  Because my day has been filled with them.  After not having slept I expected Eliza to be fussy all day long, but she wasn't.  Right from the beginning of the day she was smiling and happy.  She played with her toys so I could eat breakfast, she smiled and giggled at me.  Then my lovely parents watched Eliza so I could nap for a couple of hours at their house.  It is so nice to have someone I trust so completely with Eliza that I don't worry about her and can nap.  When we got home I was eating a bowl of cereal with Eliza on my lap and she reached out and grabbed the bowl and the cereal went all over the table, my jeans, the dog, and the floor.  And you know what I did?  I laughed!  I was so proud of her for reaching and grabbing and pulling and learning.  And I'm so glad for that tender mercy of my attitude at the end of a long day and long night.  Then at bathtime she started eating her toes and splashing and was just so happy again.

I was nervous about being a Momma, that I would be impatient and not understanding, especially with a little baby.  I know that there are still years to come, I know that I will have impatient moments, but I'm so glad, relieved, and thankful that today, which I expected to be hard and impossible was filled with joy and fun and a beautiful, happy baby.

Four Months!

Dear Eliza,

Four months!  I can't believe it!  You rolled over this month.  The first time it was an accident.  Then we went to visit Grandma and Grandpa in Wyoming and we couldn't stop you from rolling over from your belly to your back.  We tried to capture it on video, but every time you would roll before we could even get to our cameras.  It's made tummy time more challenging because you just won't stay on your belly!

One night you didn't sleep at all unless Momma or Daddy was holding you.  It was a hard night for all of us, but the next day you were your adorable self.  Spending the day with you, watching you smile and giggle made the night worth it.  That was the day you found your feet.  That was also the first time you grabbed Momma's cereal bowl and tipped it over all over the table, the floor, Momma and Scooter!  Momma was just so excited that you are learning new things, that you are reaching and grabbing that she laughed and laughed and let Scooter eat it all up.

You still love baths, and you love it most when Daddy bathes you.  You started to splash in the bathtub this month.  You love to be naked.  You hate it when we get you dressed in the morning and put pjs on after a bath.

You love music.  We also love the singer Adele.  Whenever we put her on in the car you calm down and fall asleep.

We go to Grandma and Grandpa Harrell's house every Wednesday.  Grandpa scares you a little bit, but you love being there, looking around at everything new.

We can't believe how much you are growing, how much more we love you every single day. You are a happy baby. You love to be held.  You love to bat at the toys in your play pen and can now grab them and sometimes even pull one down!

Sleeping has been challenging this month, you've stopped being a good night time sleeper and now get up 3-4 times every night.  Napping is still challenging, but we found a bottle you like!

Love,

Momma

Dear Eliza,

I am typing this on my phone as you sleep in my arms. There is nothing quite like holding you in my arms as you sleep. Photographs cannot capture your sweet angelic face, or your breath in and out. They cannot capture your warmth and heaviness, or your occasional sigh. I think I could sit and hold you like this for hours. Each night as I put you to bed my heart fills and grows and I feel like my body won't be able to contain it. I didn't know love until I met your daddy, and then again, I didn't know love until you were placed in my arms. You and daddy have captured my heart and I gladly give you posession of it.

With all of my love,

Momma